DECLAMATION

THE KNIFE by Angel Grace Adem You! You! Yes, I'm referring to you!  You wanted to know the truth or answer to your questions?   Game on!  "YOU'RE crazy!"  My reply is: "Hahahaha (evil laugh) Yes, I am...I am crazy to seek babble the truth." "You're a KILLER! MURDERER! " " Hmm!  You are correct! (clapping of hands)  Yes, I am a murderer and I even enjoy seeing his blood on my hands after stabbing him on his chest with the same knife... same knife he uses to killed my family". It seems like everything just happened yesterday as I can still remember every details related to it.  It was my 5th birthday, July 22, 2006, we decided to celebrate at home and invited a few people and he was one of the "SPECIAL" guest as per my father’s description. "Happy Birthday to you!  Happy Birthday!  Happy birthday!  Happy Birthday Angel Stella Dixon!"  "We love you so much our little Angel" - my mom said.     As the day ends, our visitors parted ways with smile on their face and leave so much joy on me.  It was most memorable moment in my life.  While secretly eating an ice cream under our kitchen table, I hear crashing sounds near me.   Dad!  (I SCREAM LOUDLY)  I saw my dad, my most loving and caring dad covered with his owned blood whose neck was cut off from his body. Blood burst from his neck and was all over the floor. And the special guest whose no other than your beloved Senate President "Stevan Cruz" run towards me and  Terrified with what I saw, I shout and run towards my mom who was on the living room "Mommy,  Mommy... (sobbing)  " My mom come towards me and said  " Always remember we love you until our last breath. Run my little Angel...run! Run now!  My mom tried to fight back with the baseball bat, but the person you think a SAINT, stab my mother without no hesitation and killed not only my mom but also my 7th month little brother settling in my mom's womb with that the same knife. "You can punish me now! Punch me! Hurt me!  I encourage you to kill me instead because I am contented with the outcome of my doing!  Hahaha" And last thing I remember was I stab my neck with the same knife and everything went black.

BAD GIRL Hey! Everybody seems to be staring at me.. You! You! All of you! How dare you to stare at me? Why? Is it because I’m a bad girl? A bad girl I am, A good for nothing teenager, a problem child? That’s what you call me! I smoke. I drink. I gamble at my young tender age. I lie. I cheat, and I could even kill, If I have too. Yes, I’m a bad girl, but where are my parents? You! You! You are my good parents? My good elder brother and sister in this society where I lied Look…look at me…What have you done to me? You have pampered and spoiled me, neglected me when I needed you most! Entrusted me to a yaya, whose intelligence was much lower than mine! While you go about your parties, your meetings and gambling session… Thus… I drifted away from you! Longing for a father’s love, yearning for a mother’s care! As I grew up, everything changed! You too have changed! You spent more time in your poker, majong tables, bars and night clubs. You even landed on the headlines of the newspaper as crooks, peddlers and racketeers. Now, you call me names, accuse me of everything I do to myself? Tell me! How good are you? If you really wish to ensure my future… Then hurry….hurry back home! Where I await you, because I need you… Protect me from all evil influences that will threaten at my very own understanding… But if I am bad, really bad…then, you’ve got to help me! Help me! Oh please…Help me!

FAKE I got this smile, I skip and I play like a kid. I'm happy. People think i'm optimistic, talented and smart. I am religious. I have many friends. Do I look like that? Do I? I hope you're convinced by this synthetic, this fake smile of mine. Most people envy how perfect my life is. How I don't have problems and how I seemed to be fine with everything. But am I? I always smile and agree to everything request. To be fine with everything my so called friends wanted. Do they know that all they're seeing is fake? A mask of fake happiness and glee. That the only reason is, I cannot say no. have they thought of my feelings? are they even my friends? That every time I see them, I have this smile that no one ever dared to disbelieve. This sense of optimism everyone envies? It's all superficial. In fact, all I think of is sadness, despair, hate, and often I just can't go on anymore. Does anyone know that? Once I told my mom to cut the afternoon church club meetings, Guess what she bladed? No God will be disappointed to you, she said. I wanted to reply "Well if you put it that way" or "Sure make me feel guilty. Do I have a choice?" but all I can do is agree and pretend I didn't ask anything. The Saddest part is with all the masks, my disguises, my covers. . .all the lies. . .Everyone seems to believe. No one knows how gloom, how depressed. . .unhappy I am. No one, none of you people. None of you dare to doubt I don't know. . .I if I still know who I am beneath. Is it even there? I don't know.

THE VOICE OF AN ORPHAN I am an orphan; my age was 16 last June. Happy? No, I am not. I am lonely because at the age of nine I am parent-less, penniless and even future-less. But they say I am beautiful. This beauty would lead me unto the galaxy of stardom. In the world of modeling or singing for instance. Yes, I could be a fashion model or a singer. But I disgrace all of them because of the memories. The past serves as desperation not inspiration. Believe it or not at the age of eight I saw my parents murdered. It was a beautiful day in November when we were on our way home from harvesting rice. Smiles on our lips when we were on our way. When suddenly a group of armed men halted us. Without any warning they drove us into a nearby secluded place.  And while we were on our way, I could see the tears from my mother's eyes begging the men to set us free. Are you Macario Santiago? You are responsible for the capture of commander Reyes so you ought to be punished. Commander Reyes? That name is familiar to me I said. Yes. . . yes. . . he was the hulk leader which father gave an information for his capture. No. . . no. . . don't hurt father, he is an ideal father. Please. . . please. . . for the love of God spare my husband. Then they tied father into a bulky tree and started whipping him. Then father shouted as he saw mother being hurt. No. . . no. . . don't do that to my wife. Kill me if you want but not my wife. I knelt down and prayed then bang. . . bang. . . bang. . . I lifted my head and there lay before me the dead bodies of my parents. Inay. . . itay. . . inay. . . itay. . . how could I live without you? But I placed myself to God. I know he will not forsake me. Yes, God will not forsake me.

AM I TO BE BLAMED They're chasing me, they're chasing, no they must not catch me, I have enough money now, yes enough money for my starving mother and brothers. Please let me go, let me go home before you imprisoned me. Very well, Officer? Take me to your headquarters. Good Morning Captain! no captain, you are mistaken. I was once a good, just like the rest of you here. Just like any of your daughters. But tome was. when I was reared in slums. But we lived honestly, we lived honestly in life. My father, mother, brother, sister and I. But then poverty enters the portal of our home. My father become jobless, my mother got ill. The small savings that my mother had kept for our own expenses was spent. All for our daily needs and her medicine. One Night, my father went out, telling us that he will comeback in a few minutes with plenty of foods and money but that was the last time I saw him. He went for another woman. If only I could lay my hand on his neck, I will wring it without pain until he breaths no more. If you were in my place, you'll do it , won't you captain? What? You won't still believe me? Come and I'll show you a dilapidated shanty by a railroad. Mother, Mother I'm home, Mother? Mother?! There captain, see my dead mother, captain! There are tears in your eyes? now pack this stolen money and return it to the owner. What good would it do to my mother now? She's already gone, do you hear me? She's already gone. Am I to be blamed to the things I've done?

HOOKED IN DRUG My hands, my arms, my head, my body. I am shivering. I am trembling, what is happening. Yeah, mom's jewelry box. I need it. I must get it. yes, I need several thousands of pesos to sustain me, to give way to my vice. Do you hear that? I need money for cocaine, I am helpless drug dependent. It started out with a simple invitation to experience what is new. Little just little, once just once ... until I started yearning for it. Until I find out I cannot stand without having it more often. Dad is too busy with his political career, wooing people to vote for him in a congressional seat in our province. Mom was equally occupied to grace the local dailies for her charitable projects left and right. I was left alone all to myself. It was only yaya who kept me company, pampering my every need. Cars, money, good time, all I wanted. Name them, I get them. Tired with all these I looked for more until I explored drugs with Fred, my friend. I started to change from good reserved individual to an out-going, happy go lucky. I became an elusive lawbreaker with dad and mom's influence. What? Do you know if this ever made happy? No, I am not. I want peace I don't and cannot find peace. The urge to use drug becomes so strong and irresistible. This is the best escape I find over the emptiness and unworthiness of my wasted, meaningless and aimless existence. Do you understand I want to change but I cannot. All I need is to end my life. This is truly a useless life. Goodbye beautiful life, beautiful world. Goodbye Dad and Mom I don't deserve you (bang,bang)

OUR HOUSE WILL NEVER BE A HOME "Kring-kring, kring-kring, kring-kring" the alarm clock ringing on my side. Suddenly, I heard my mother's voice "Ana, Ana wake up its already 9 am in the morning", mother said. "Here you are again waking me up, it’s been a week since you were here coming back in the Philippines bagging my whole life into disaster, I wish you weren't my Mother, 10 years of abandoning me? Then suddenly you came? What for? Ruining my life into mess?" Knock- knock....A sweet voice came out as the door open " Ana, Ana my dear your late , aren't you supposed in the school by this time?" I remember when I was young so witty but pretty. My Mother used to play piano, and I sing and sing as my father lift me up. I was ten years. . . . a long darkened side of my life. I heard a Bang bang bang, a gun, Yes a gun. . .Blag. . .as I raise my eyes I saw him lying on the floor. Red. Red. red, a blood, Yes a blood running from my father’s lifeless body, my Father died because of her. Yeah because of her, because of her. . . Our house will never be a home, it's been 5 months when I was here, hahahaha, hahahaha. I was here because of her. I was on Mental Institution because of her. I found a house that can never be a home hahahahaha, hahahaha. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang countless shots coming from a gun, I raise my head and look on the floor, I saw my mother lying on the floor together with her fresh blood!!! Yes! Yes! I kill her. I kill my own Mother hahahaha, hahahah. . . . .tear. . .tears. . . suddenly fell on my eyes. . .What for? Aren't I am happy now I kill her, she kill him, I am left behind in a house that will never be a home

I KILLED HER I killed her because I do love her. These hands, these hands that gives life to many, killed her because of my love to her. Ladies and Gentlemen of this honorable court, please listen to me, listen to my story before you give my verdict. I am Dr. Reyes, a cancer specialist. I was born in a slum district of Batalon, My father oh! I don't know him for I am a child of faith. My mother brought me up in such determination and my ambition was to escape the filthy and horrible place of Batalon. I was nourished with hope that someday I might live a life different from her. My mother had burning faith that she turned the nights into days. All her efforts were not in vain for I pushed through of flying colors. My mother who had given her whole life to me had tears in her eyes as she pinned the gold medal on my proud breast. Later on, I was sent as a scholar of the Philippines to the Unites States of America, I embraced my mother. . .tightly as I've reached the plane. . ."Mother, mother", I whispered "you will always be my best mother in the world." After four years, I come back with laurels. I became a cancer specialist. I gave my mother everything but I was too late. I who had used to ease the pain of many, came too late to the life of my dying mother. I gave the best treatment but the grasp of death was so tight around her. My God, what is the use of ten years of study if I couldn't even use it at my mother's pain. Then one night, I heard a strange cry. I run to her room. "Do you love me child?", she asked. As I embraced her "Yes, mother. . .If only O could get all your pain and agonies. . ." "Then. . .If you love me, end my sufferings, kill me. . .let me die" "But , mother, I promise to give life and not to end it" God . . .she did not deserve to unhappiness. She deserves to be happy. I run to my room and come back with a syringe "Mother, forgive me. . .God, please understand me" "Mother,mother, you must not die. . .Don't leave, I love you. It was only a distilled water. . . Mother. . . Mother. . . Mother. . . Mother. . ." Ladies and Gentlemen, give me your verdict. Yes, It was only a distilled water which ended the suffering of my mother. Judge me. . . Punish me So, punish me. . . Thy will be done!!!

BASTARD Penoy, Balot. . .Penoy, Balot. Yes Penoy, Balot has been my means of livelihood. I am Martha. Please listen to my story. Like you we may be both victims of circumstances. I was born out a wedlock to a young colegiala who swayed off her feet when she became madly in love with a young man of the flickerville. Bastard, bastard, that's how they called me. Society condemned me for a crime not of my own making but just a mistake by destiny. I have never felt what a father's love was and worst of them too much misery drove my mother out of her sanity. I was oftentimes beaten mercilessly for every little misdeed. One evening I got home late. Right at the door mother was there with her long stick. Without a word she hit me mercilessly. "Please, mother, stop it. I beg you." I was already bleeding until I could no longer take it. Before I knew it, I felt blood oozing on my forehead. Crimson Blood! "Mother, why do you do this to me." But that didn't stop her. She got the bolo and was about to strike me that I ran as fast as I could to save my life. All i know was a speeding car went between us. . .SHHHHH When I turned my back I saw Inay lay helplessly. "Inay", all I could say. I ran back to embrace the lifeless body of Inay. "Good lord! Why did you permit this- You are my mother. Inay, I love you in spite of what has been.

A CALL FOR MOM AND DAD Ring... ring... ring... is it the phone? My, it's two o'clock in the morning yet. But wait. It is Dad. Has he just got home from the business meeting, maybe... poor Dad! He works so hard for Mom and me. I walked on tiptoe to the door (another honking was heard). Oh, is it Mom? Yes and what happens? She looks drunk, swinging her way to the sala. All I hope was to give them surprise but I get, instead the biggest surprise in my life. Dad, my hero leads a Cassanova lifestyle: wine, women and party. And Mom, the lady behind the recent fund raising campaign is the exact opposite of the image she projected in that last week's PTA event. A cheat, a liar. How could they do this to me? "You brute," Mom shouted, You think you can always hide things from me? I saw you with your secretary," and she started throwing things at Dad. "Stop that, Matilde." And he pushes Mom hard enough to the wall. Is this the home I was eagerly looking forward to return for a vacation? And Dad, is he worth emulating? My Mom, what has gone with her? I got out from my place. Mom, Dad what's wrong? Benjo, good you are here. Dad managed to say. We can no longer go on this way anymore. It's no use of hiding things from you I must confess. I love you son, You are the only reason of my staying here. Now it is for good. I must leave the house. Son, please understand. He went up and in an instance he came down with his luggage. Mom seemed to be in the state of shock. All she could do was cry. Benjo, my son. I can no longer hide the truth. Your Dad and I are never happy. We have to part ways. Please, Son try to understand. I bite my lips to hold my tears but I held Mom by shoulders. Mom, why has this happened to us? Have you ever thought of the effects on me? That happened a long time ago. I do not know where Dad is now. It took me long to gather the prices of my broken dreams. All I know is I am very much affected by what happened to us. To you fathers and mothers present in this hall now, I challenge you to step forward to prove you are not cowards like my own Dad. I challenge you mothers to stay firm and unwavering, never to let your family break.

LRT BOMBING Bread. Bread. . .spare me a piece of bread. Believe me, I don't want to society but fate dooms me to this deplorable situation. We used to be a happy family. Dad was a good provider until that pitiful day in May. All I could remember was Mom crying over the sad news of Dad's untimely death. He died in an airplane crush and his remains was nowhere to be found. Mom gallantly took her responsibility as our guide and provider. Benjo, Mom and I made up the happy family we were once. A day before New Year, we took the LRT to evade the heavy traffic. I was in pink dress, matched with a pink ribbon. As I mused with towering edifice on our way to lola, a great Commotion ensued. Mom embraced me tightly to shield me from apparent danger. Everything went fast. BOOM. . . A DESTRUCTIVE EXPLOSION WENT OUT. "RIZZA, take care," she said and finally loosened her hold on me. Her look was gloomy and slowly she closed her eyes as she gave forth her last. "Mom." I cried out loud as I struggled to get out from the broken seat. As I looked at the crowd, I saw everything in disorder; people in commotion and crimson blood oozed from my Mom's forehead. "Mom," I cried bitterly embracing her lifeless body. Everything went dark, darker until I found myself in a hospital. Worst, Benjo was nowhere to be found. What awaits a small, incapable girl like me. Nothing but the bare truth of misfortune-darker than the hundred nights. . . uncertain than a thousand blank reality. Bread, bread. . . give me a piece of bread.

TOO HIGH A PRICE Oh Joey, Joey, Joey, You're dead. This cannot be. Heavens! I can't believe it. He is still too young to die. Joey, No, no. Joey is now dead, gone. My kid brother is gone. He died of poisoning and this can happen to any of you. Listen. No, no never, over my dead body. you cannot sell that piece of land. That has been the land cultivated by my father's father. That's the very means I sweated my blood on to send you all to college. Never. That was the firm and final say of Lolo regarding a two-hectare rice field right after the Taiwanese factory in our small barrio. That happened some two years ago. Joey and I were still small but we understood how much that piece of land meant to Lolo. After his death dad in exchange for a fat sum money traded it just the same. Now with this, gone are the green pastures and the rich vegetation with an equally fresh river where fish used to swim. Gone is the vast habitat of the birds and their young ones. Gone is the fresh air which abounds plenty. But with Dad got a fabulous L-300, a luxurious dwelling and a big savings account to several figures. Joey and I still miss the fruits bearing garden, the lovely little hill of wild flowers and small fish pond where we usually spent our time fishing. All of these gone, occupied by the Taiwanese factory now. All left to us is a small lot given to lolo's caretaker where Joey and I still go for a visit. The fresh dancing water is no longer free from pollution; aquatic lives start to die. Toxic materials coming from factory flow freely to the river, poisoning every creature depending on it. And worst of all, that pitiful Saturday morning, Joey my kid brother, brought home a big mud fish. He had it cleaned and broiled it. He had just finished a few bites when he felt unusual all over himself. He felt splash of warmth all over his body; his face reddened as he writhed in pain. We all panicked at the sight of a young helpless boy dying of toxic. How he cried in anguish, and how Mom shouted in despair. But all were to no avail. Joey had to go, my only brother had to leave, so fast, so swift. Yet that piece of land lolo refused to sell, that piece of land is now polluted. It brought Dad a big sum but a more precious one: joey's life was taken. It gave us L-300 but it could not even be in service when joey needed it most. That big sum! Never did it cross Dad's mind that such cannot even buy Joey's life. dad paid too high a price. Now ladies and gentlemen, is this what you call progress. . . . . .development over our own welfare and safety? Enough is enough, you all cheat. nothing can compensate for the clean fresh air we breathe, it is now mixed with unsafe one coming from the chimney of that factory. Nothing can ever replace the clean river where we used to fish, now damaged by factory waste; nothing can ever pay the silence we are deadened by the day-in and day-out sound of the grinding machine. . . . .Nothing and Joey paid all these with his young life. My friends, dear everyone, give this a thought, a serious kind:In your decision to give us the best, we consequently suffer. In your desire to provide us education we miss the most. Please stop the killing. How many Joey's will pay for this?

THE PAINS OF GROWING UP A child, aged three, in short pants was holding a balloon with his right hand and ice cream cone with his left. He was running aimlessly while the father followed. Shouting, kicking, crying boisterously. That was then, a few years ago, but it was just faint memory. Yes, for that boy some years back was I. Dad and I used to be great pats ceases to be now. We are at a distance from each other. He talks, I do not listen. I explain he does not admit. . . And this is just one phase of growing, a painful process of change. My friends, any change is not easy at all. "My son", I remember Dad admonished, "you get to be different. You are a grown up child now. Don't be hard on your younger sister. Don't hit her anymore," he said, when I once hit Alice. A grown up I mused to myself so I can now go to Disco join friends and have the real taste of life". But he again interrupted, "My son, remember you are still young, a little boy". A grown-up or a little boy. . . who am I really, an adult or a little boy? Life is a series of surprises. What I used to enjoy when I was a kid will no longer be the same. Eventually and gradually things will take a shift. Doing things with Dad's assistance will slowly mean doing it on your own. Taking a risk may mean Yes; that's ok; or no, you should learn better, next time. Less supervision but more reprimands. . . failure of success I am starting on my own. Discovering things, using my discretion, deciding by myself are all parts of this painful process. I fail occasionally. I get discouraging remarks. I learn new ways. I experiment with peer groups. These characterize a teenage life. A bandwagon I am, I like to be equal with my members. What they have, I must also; what they do too. And to all these Dad prones, Mom disapproves, society condemns. . . As I feel my way to independence in the little part of my brain, I have some reservation. . . What? Will this ever win my old's approval? If not them misunderstanding is possible. Human as I am go against their standards different from mine. Inexperienced go against their standards different from mine. Inexperienced as I am I react opposite to what they expect to me. Uncertain as I am, I refrain to conform to what they desire. As a result we end up hostile to each one. Disobedient, recalcitrant and stubborn, they brand me. I feel short, misunderstood and unloved, I find solace and approval with my peer. They understand, they accept me because we have similar standard, we have the same world. they like me because we very well approve each other. I want to be on my own, my parents are not ready to accept this fact. A child no more, an adult neither, I feel lost. We became alienated from each one. Growing is really painful just as advancing in years for parent is so. All I ask of you is continue holding me- I still need you. Open communication line. Stop filling my days with 'Don't and No'. Listen to my unworded desire. You will always be part of me. Let us both put life and love to our days as we journey together to the mystery of life.

I WISH I WERE NOT BORN I walked on tiptoed. Dad must be home now. How my heart bleed when Mom left him for abroad. No amount of mom's explanation could appease my anger. Why did she do this? My poor Dad! now I see every reason why he has to come home late, why he has to drink. He must, I even told myself. He deserves to give way to his emotions. I walked quietly and slowly turned in the door knob. The greatest secret unfolded before my naked eyes. I caught Dad in a very compromising situation with our driver. My whole world shattered; my knees trembled. Discovery even made it more shocking. Dad is a homosexual! What is this? I shouted. I wish I were not born. Damn you! And I ran as fast as I could. That was many years ago. I wanted to end my life. I was like a little kitten with no one to turn to. Helpless and confused I started to pick up every piece of my broken life. The father with whom I should feel secure and protected failed me a hundred times. He did not have the arms to protect me from harm. Instead he brought me shame and untold misery. The mother whom I need to embrace to strengthen me and love me left. Parents, why do you fail me? Where else can we find solace in our dark moments of despair? What have you done?

THE PANG OF MISFORTUNE Klang. Klang. That's the signal, yes, two hours more is left. Do you hear that? At four this afternoon I will have my rendezvous with death at the lethal injection chamber. I pledge guilty to drug trafficking and multiple murder. I know I deserve that ultimate capital punishment, but listen to my story. You too have a share in forming me into a hoodlum in this dog eat dog world. I was a matter of fate by destiny that I grew up in an area fast a accelerating in this orbit of moral decadence. My mom died a few days after my birth. Lola brought me up as dad, a policeman was a footloose and fancy-free family man. Outcast yes, I am , a bitter pill to swallow but more bitter than this was the pang of rejection. Dad disowned me for the reason he alone knew. Society condemned me fo mom's indiscretion, a fault not of my own making.bb I did not ask to be born but they gave me life just to wallow in poverty, in shame and in anger. All around me were dark shadows of frustrations: pre-marital sex, women of loose morale in heavy make-up, indecency, gambling, vices of all kinds, graft, corruption. Name them and we have them all in our place. At first, I lived as an errand boy then as a messenger for this oldest trade of flesh to sustain a living. I graduated to selling prohibited drugs while sniffing once in a while to get into the world of make believe to escape reality of life. That was how life was with one like me who has no choice but to stay living that hard . One night, in my usual routine I had some small packages of prohibited drugs to deliver to my valued clients. I was intercepted by a man in uniform and was consequently caught in the act. i could do nothing more but to face the situation. Instead of submitting myself peacefully to the authority I managed to grab the revolver and shot him flat dead. Once , twice, until several policemen came to his succor. I shot aimlessly not minding anymore who might get hurt until I no longer knew how many lives were lost. God forgive me! But you people of the Philippine Republic who accuse me of drug trafficking and multiple murder I also accuse you before the seat of the Most High, God the all knowing, all wise Judge for: - having failed me with our lawmakers who themselves are law breakers, - having taught me life's bitterness just with your words not coupled by your witnessing, - having done nothing to fight moral decadence that has swept and pestered our country now. I know I have but few minutes to live. Before I submit myself to face the Maker, I ask you People of the Philippine Republic to atone for passive participation in the mess and corruption our country is faced with. Do something to save our country, save the Philippines, save our youth. Capture the lost values through moral recovery.

WHO KNEW Who knew I'd end up admiring someone who was way out of my league? Who knew that smile would make me blush in an instant? In a second? Who knew? I didn't and the truth is? I'm shocked. I'm surprised with how the world suddenly had colors and shapes and sparkles and giggles. That voice I keep repeating in my head help me sleep. Sometimes, it doesn't because I love the way he speaks, the way he greets, the way he talks... everything! Who knew I'd get turned on by the way he walks? I spotted him sitting on the bench, the couch, the floor and, my gosh, he's so hot! Who knew his eyes can start a fire, awaken the dead, bring light in this world full of darkness? I'm speaking from my heart, from my soul... because he is my heart and he is my soul. Who knew I'd be this in love? Who knew? Who knew?

AGONY Agony isn't just a word. It's not just a noun. It's not just something you check in the dictionary or something you hear about. It involves pain. It's suffering. It leaves you drain. It's hurting. It's agony. Agony. AGONY! Agony kills. Agony surrenders. Agony haunts. Agony. Agony. AGONY! It demotivates you. It's a feeling. It's a weakness. It's a drug that controls you. It lives in your dreams. It scares you and yells at you and makes you wonder, "Do I deserve this life?" It answers, "No. You don't. You're weak and helpless and lonely and embarrassing." It insults you and harasses you. It makes you vomit. It makes you sick. Agony. Agony. AGONY! It comes and goes. It pretends to be your friend then betrays you from behind. It smiles at you then rolls its eyes. It's agony. It's an agony. It's THE agony. IT'S AGONY! So agony, go away! Just go! Your presence weakens me but I want to be strong. I want to be brave. I don't want to kneel anymore. I want to breathe. I want to live. I do not want to be in agony. I can't. I will not. I will never.

DRESS DILEMMA Oh, man. I really didn't want to wear this. I don't think I can do this. What kind of outfit is this anyway? This isn't my style. I should've worn a loose top and sweatpants but why this? I hate dresses. Mom makes me wear dresses. Doesn't she know how difficult it is for me? And what is with these shoes? They're called heels, right? What is with this makeup? It feels heavy. What is with this hairstyle? It's so girly. UGH! How can one dress ruin my day? It's so short and fabulous and I hate it. Fabulous... hmmph! I despise that word. I grew up liking boyish things. I'm a girl, yes. I will be a woman in the future but that doesn't give the woman who labored me any right to make me wear such a hideous thing. Mom thinks I will have guys go wild with my appearance. I don't want that. Mom thinks I have a curvy body. Gosh, that's probably because I go to the gym. DUH! Mom thinks I should comb my hair more. Fat chance! I hate this dress. It's uncomfortable. I can see my legs. I don't even shave my legs. Why did I have to put lotion on my skin? It's as irritating as putting on sunblock. With this dress, I feel so different. I can't believe this. I'm dying and I am too young to die! Mother, oh mother, how could she? I love her to bits but I hate this dress!

THE NEW ME This is the new me you'll never expect. This is the new me you'll never want to see. I did everything for you. I risked everything for you. I made everything right for you. I tried to look beautiful. I stayed up late. I spent this much. I stepped. I rain. I fell. I crossed. I climbed. I did everything. And it's all because of you. I cried all night. I wasted my years. I prayed for a miracle but nothing happened. Nothing I ever did ever made you like me. Not my messages, not my phone calls, not my gifts nor my looks. Not my efforts, not my promises, not my soul or my life. So this is the new me. This is the new me you have to see. Wait until you realize just how much you hurt me. Did you know I fought for you? I would've killed for you. I would've died for you. But you could never love me. It's sickening to know that one's efforts can never be appreciated. What is it about me you couldn't like? Am I fat? Am I short? Am I boring? Is it because I'm boyish? Is it because I'm garrulous? Is it because I'm knowledgeable? Is it because I don't like parties and I'm not a nightlifer? Then what was I supposed to do? This is me! ME! I can't change who I used to be. At least, when I found out that you could never learn to love me, I realized... I realized... I realized... ...just how much I've missed. I lost my friends. I pushed my family away. I became cruel. I was being selfish. So look at me now. I didn't change who I was. I simply exposed myself in different activities. I became active. I learned to love myself. I don't need you. This is the new me.

BE MY TRUE FRIEND Hey! Are you a good friend? Are you a True Friend? A friend that will never leave me? It is you? If it is, then... Can you be my friend? I needed a friend like you, not like them. They are my Friend when they need me. I can still remember when they ignore me. "Hey girl, can you come with me?" I ask my friend. "Wait for us" they replied. So as what they've said. I waited, wait for the time, but one hour has passed. They didn't come back. So I turned to my other friend whose doing nothing. "Hey guys, can you come with me?" I asked. "sorry, we were busy" they replied. I feel alone. I feel Ignored. I feel Rejected. I want to cry but I can't and I don't want them to see me crying just because of rejection. I ran away from them and went to the rooftop. "BUSY? BUSY, STALKING WITH YOUR CRUSH!?" "YOUR CRUSH DOESN'T LIKE YOU, SO STOP ASSUME" "I WAITED! I WAITED FOR AN HOUR BUT.... BUT WHERE WERE YOU! YOU LEAVE ME! YOU DIDN'T COMEBACK" I shouted and I cried so hard. And after that I felt relief. I felt okay. So I decided to go back to our classroom and the one of my friend approached me and said "Hey Joecel, can you come with me to the canteen. We'll buy some snacks" by that time I want to say YES but I found myself running away from them after realizing what they've said a while ago. And went back to the rooftop "When you need me, I'm always there, but when I need you, you reject me! You ignore me!" "Is that a real friend?" And you! You! Are you like that? If not! Then please! Please be with me! Be my friend. Be my True Friend!

PLEASE... NOT HELL Huh? Where am I? What is this place? Fire? Fire? A Lake of Fire? Everywhere! Ouch! Water… I need water, please. I hate being here, this place is so hot, I’m hurting. Oh no! no… worms!… Stay away from me. You damn worms! No! Don’t eat my flesh. Stop! Where am I? Why I’m here! I…I- don’t belong here.. Get me out of here. Don’t you know me? I’m Cass Alanan. A superstar, A world famous model and a President’s daughter. I’m rich, beautiful and most of all powerful. What? Am I happy? You’re asking me if I’m happy..? Of course, I am, I have all the riches in this world. Riches… but not peace, not joy, not even love… But who needs that? I don’t need that… I’m rich I can buy anything and everything I want. My parents were always busy, they don’t love me. My friends… well, they’re just a bunch of losers. They want me because they can use my money and my fame. No joy, just a bunch of… Loosers and USERS! And my boyfriend? huh! Another USER! I thought he is the only person in this world who can love me. But, well, just last night that idiot went out with another girl. and Guess what? I saw them… making out! You know what, he told me that he hates me and all he wants is my body and my money! USER! Damn user! They abandoned me. Left me with no love, no joy, no peace and no life. On my way home, I met a Pastor – no, a crazy person in the park. He told me about Jesus… (Laugh) “Jesus? Who is he? I don’t need him! I don’t care about him. He is just a fiction. You don’t understand me, no one does and no one cares. Of course, you don’t. All you need is my money. Get out of my sight!” There’s no hell… You know what’s the real hell… my life!” I walked out, left that Pastor and went home. Alone and abandoned. Shuttered and Busted. Miserable and Broken. I opened my cabinet, then I saw something… a beautiful escape, the most magical thing in this world for hurt people like me. Then, I hear a whisper… “One shot will finish your damn life”. Yes right! I pinned it to my temple, then the next thing I know… “Hell? I heard the Pastor saying about it. A place without Jesus.. Full of fire and flesh eating worms. He said… “Jesus is the only way, the truth and the life” But I never listened. This is hell, It’s true. The Lake of Fire A place for sinners. A place of never ending punishment… Oh no… No! No! No!

JUVENILE DELINQUENT Am I a juvenile delinquent? I’m a teenager, I’m young, young at heart in mind. In this position, I’m carefree, I enjoy doing nothing but to drink the wine of pleasure. I seldom go to school, nobody cares!. But instead you can see me roaming around. Standing at the nearby canto (street). Or else standing beside a jukebox stand playing the nerve tickling bugaloo. Those are the reasons, why people, you branded me delinquent, a juvenile delinquent. My parents ignored me, my teachers sneered at me and my friends, they neglected me. One night I asked my mother to teach me how to appreciate the values in life. Would you care what she told me? "Stop bothering me! Can’t you see? I had to dress up for my mahjong session, some other time my child". I turned to my father to console me, but, what a wonderful thing he told me. "Child, here’s 500 bucks, get it and enjoy yourself, go and ask your teachers that question". And in school, I heard nothing but the echoes of the voices of my teachers torturing me with these words. "Why waste your time in studying, you can’t even divide 100 by 5! Go home and plant sweet potatoes". I may have the looks of Audrey Hepburn, the calmly voice of Nathalie Cole. But that’s not what you can see in me. Here’s a young girl who needs counsel to enlighten her way and guidance to strengthen her life into contentment. Honourable judge, friends and teachers…is this the girl whom you commented a juvenile delinquent?.

BE BACK SOON It has been four years since he left. I never liked the idea. We never agreed. I tried to stop him, but it was his dream to serve. What can I do? Nothing, nothing at all, but to surrender even if it's hard. "The troop decided to send me." That's the last thing I wanted to hear. Holding back, trying to be calm, I couldn't be silenced. "Do you have an idea what could happen while you're there? Or, are you even concerned about me? I can't do this without you!" "This is a mission!" "Is it that hard to say no?" " I can’t let my team down! I can't let my nation down!" "So, that's it?" "Don't you worry; I'll be back soon. Who knows? Maybe one day, you'll wake up and see me right beside you." "But, What if? Or......." "Sssshhhhh.......No, I'll be fine." Eyes covered with tears, warm embrace, that's what I remember. The promise to return kept me smiling since then. "I must be ready." I told myself. There were sleepless nights. What can I do? I just miss you...a lot. You didn't even call! I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to hear your voice and say, "I'm safe here." Nothing, nothing at all. The silence moving through the air each day was my companion. I had no one. Then one day, the messenger came, holding a letter addressed to all the families of the troop. I wondered why. As I read between the lines, I couldn't stop thinking about you. It says there that the mission was a success. I was glad. I immediately went to your home base to check you out, not knowing that my life was about to be shattered. "He gave it all, even his life." Tears fell down eyes. I didn't know which way to go. Setting everything aside, I'm so proud of you, for doing what you do best, being yourself. With arms held high, I will be strong. "Goodbye Col.William Borg, I'll see you soon."

MEMORIES Nothing compares to having a family, a complete, happy family. I am proud to have had one. Unforgettable memories of a sweet childhood, growing up with pure love and affection, so many people wanted to have. I was nourished with hope, that someday I'll have something more than I've expected. My parents gave me everything. They wanted me to have the best of endless possibilities. I owe my life to them. I am nothing without them. They are the reason why I have a fighting spirit, to finish what I've started, to give my best every time and never give up in times of troubles. It was my time to serve them. I am young and free, but why should I push myself to this responsibility? Why?.....because in this life, you can never tell when your closing ceremony is about to arrive. But it was over before I've started. "God, why did you take them from me?" "You're so unfair!" "Why them?" "Take me instead!" They were gone. I am now alone. I can honestly say, I am nothing. I don't have them anymore. "God, please give me a chance to embrace them for the last time." But I know it isn't possible. I've had a lot chances. I just didn't make the best of it. Life is really full of surprises, not always good ones, some are worth tears. Deep inside my heart, I am longing. But I should move on with my life. Nothing could bring them back. If the stairway to heaven is for real, I would use it no matter how far it would take me. If that's the only chance, then I am ready. I salute those parents who have given their all. The most selfless people you would ever know. Nothing compares to the love you have given. The perfect friends, there's nothing less. One day, we shall meet again. Excitement fills my broken heart. Only you could complete me. So, when I see you, I know you're holding the missing piece.

ME AGAINST YOU I can't breathe in this white uniform. It's so tight. Release me. Well, Thank yo for your kind words. I know, right. I already expected this. I'm not surprised. Oh! I haven't introduced myself to some of you. For those who don't know me, which only a few don't, I'm Genuino Ontangco,a smart young man or I should say, a genius. Do you need someone to answer your problems? I'm the perfect person to approach. You asked why? Because, I know everything. Give me those equations, I'll simplify it. Give me those problems, I'll solve it. Give me that piece, I'll correct it. Oh............ It feels good to be a genius Sometimes I wondered, maybe if I was born a long time ago, then I would have created all the inventions in this world. Maybe yes! Maybe.................yes! Why can't I? I know everything, remember? Hahahahaha My mother calls me Gene, my nickname. She has been my inspiration, or I mean assistant ever since. How can she be my mentor? I know a lot more than her! My father, Oh! I don't know him. I refuse to know him. Some people told me, he was a criminal, a thief, a man of pure evil, a product which sent him to jail. Some people told me, he has changed. I don't believe them. I tend to react when they connect him to me. I can't stand it. I hate those people who stand in my way, and does something without my approval. Only I, know what's right. "Mom!!!! Where's the documents in my table?" I asked. "Oh! I thought that's a trash, I already threw it away." She answered "I told you never to touch anything here, you stupid moron!" "I'm still your mother young man! You can't say that to me" "Why can't I? I know more than you coz you're a brainless idiot! Yes! That's true!" Then, she slapped me in the face. I punched her hard, and laughed as she dropped to the ground. You should have seen her face while she fought for her life! She's dead! Hahahaha. What a relief. Oh! Here they are again! Stop! I can't breathe in this white uniform. It's so tight. Release me! I should be free. Release me! Release me! Release me!

VENGEANCE IS NOT OURS, IT’S GOD’S Alms, alms, alms. Spare me a piece of bread. Spare me your mercy. I am a child so young, so thin, and so ragged. Why are you staring at me? With my eyes I cannot see but I know that you are all staring at me. Why are you whispering to one another? Why? Do you know my mother? Do you know my father? Did you know me five years ago? Yes, five years of bitterness have passed. I can still remember the vast happiness mother and I shared with each other. We were very happy indeed. Suddenly, five loud knocks were heard on the door and a deep silence ensued. Did the cruel Nippon’s discover our peaceful home? Mother ran to Father’s side pleading. “Please, Luis, hide in the cellar, there in the cellar where they cannot find you,” I pulled my father’s arm but he did not move. It seemed as though his feet were glued to the floor. The door went “bang” and before us five ugly beasts came barging in. “Are you Captain Luis Santos?” roared the ugliest of them all. “Yes,” said my father. “You are under arrest,” said one of the beasts. They pulled father roughly away from us. Father was not given a chance to bid us goodbye. We followed them mile after mile. We were hungry and thirsty. We saw group of Japanese eating. Oh, how our mouths watered seeing the delicious fruits they were eating, Then suddenly, we heard a voice call, “Consuelo. . . . Oscar. . . . Consuelo. . . . Oscar. . . . Consuelo. . . . Oscar. . . .” we ran towards the direction of the voice, but it was too late. We saw father hanging on a tree. . . . dead. Oh, it was terrible. He had been badly beaten before he died. . . . and I cried vengeance, vengeance, vengeance! Everything went black. The next thing I knew I was nursing my poor invalid mother. One day, we heard the church bell ringing “ding-dong, ding-dong!” It was a sign for us to find a shelter in our hide-out, but I could not leave my invalid mother, I tried to show her the way to the hide-out. Suddenly, bombs started falling; airplanes were roaring overhead, canyons were firing from everywhere. “Boom, boom, boom, boom!” Mother was hit. Her legs were shattered into pieces. I took her gently in my arms and cried, “I’ll have vengeance, vengeance!” “No, Oscar. Vengeance, it’s God’s,” said mother. But I cried out vengeance. I was like a pent-up volcano. “Vengeance is mine not the Lord’s”. “No, Oscar. Vengeance is not ours, it’s God’s” these were the words from my mother before she died. Mother was dead and I was blind. Vengeance is not ours? To forgive is divine but vengeance is sweeter. That was five years ago, five years. . . . Alms, alms, alms. Spare me a piece of bread. Spare me your mercy. I am a child so young, so thin, and so ragged. Vengeance is not ours, it’s God’s. . . . It’s. . . . MY REVENGE "Never have I thought of reaching this place. All my dreams turned to reality. I have everything that I wanted. It's great to have everything you've worked for." That's what they all say. All of them are hypocrites, trying to escape the judgment of the public's eyes. But, they can't fool me. I know how they got their positions. If only I could expose what I know. But now is not the right time. I still have to prove something. I used to be in that position, the greatest prize in the world. But now, here in the dump, not even remembered, already misunderstood. I'm just a victim of this judgmental world, never did any harm, just misunderstood. If you want to invest, I would be glad to see you. If you don't have anything good to say, don't dare cross my way. That's just how it goes. The circulation continues. When you are rich, everybody wants to get a piece of you. All of them wants to pull you down. being shot in the public's eyes is critical. You can't afford to make mistakes, or else, you'll find yourself swimming in the mud. That's what happened to me. I wasn't careful. One dash of stain blew everything. It was hard to face the truth. I am down, troubled, nothing. What should I say? I should have everything back. "Mr.Thompson, Do you remember me?" "How could I forget the company's thief?" "I'm just a victim of your greed. You made me do it." "You wanted it, right? Only that you made a wrong move." "I don't deserve this! You have to pay!" "You can do nothing now! It's too late!" It was all black as I remembered. The next thing that I saw was a man covered in his own blood. Did I succeed? I think so! but no one should find out. I am closer to what I truly deserve. Time is up. It's my turn.. It’s…

WHEN REALITY STRIKES Everything starts with a dream, a dream that can be our inspiration to accomplish our goals. When we were children, we've always hoped that we can serve our nation someday and be part of the progression of our country. I've always dreamt of being someone who could make a difference, many people doubted me and thought otherwise. As time goes by, that dream faded away. Each day was a dreadful sight, the coward side of me that didn't dare to hold on. I can't do it anymore. I told myself, "Why do I have to suffer like this? It's not fair!" Tick....tock....tick...tock.... hearing the sound of the clock made it worst. I had my chance, just didn't take it. Now, reality speaks with a familiar sound. LIFE! IS! GREAT! "What" "Are you serious?" "If this is the life that was planned for me, then I wouldn't want to go on!" "Go ahead and end it!" "It wouldn't even make a difference." Then reality strikes again..... with greater force, louder than you could imagine You are living by choice not by chance! "I know! That's why I'm living an awful life!" You made it happen! "It's what was given!" You were given all those years, and this is all you could come up with? Come on! "I'm hopeless!" "I'm weak!" "Are you supposed to rub it in?" "I get it!" Reality ended the battle It's not the end of the world! Time doesn't stop when you fall. That's why the sky is high. It's something to reach for. A cold breeze suddenly surrounded me The view seemed to change! "Now, I get it!" So live your life Be yourself And see the difference

BEFORE IT'S OVER A wide smile painted her blank canvass as she expressed her excitement to face the next chapter. "I'm happy." "I definitely am." "Don't think of me." "You might get in trouble" In a world where you stand out against the others, that's where I belong. To fight for a place where freedom is limited, that's what I've done. To be accepted for what you've suffered, that's what I've experienced To feel that you're in, there's nothing better. She's my friend, the best that I have. Seeing her go through the deafening silence while blind-folded, made me feel uneasy inside. The will to help easily diminished as I remembered my recent acceptance to the society. Only those on the top of the chain can tell you what to do. As hard as it seems, there's no other option. It's hard to see her getting trashed, but there's nothing that I can do. Tears fell on her burning eyes as she tried to stand. It was not a good scene. She's beaten, real bad. She's a fighter. She'll recover. "No one, and I said no one, can talk to a feed, or they'll suffer" "If there's anyone who'd challenge my judgment, stand up and face me!" With a burning desire to do what is right, I stood up! At least that's what I thought. But, I didn't. I can't! I just can't! As I continue to let myself believe that everything's fine, I can't help but think of how she's doing. Her voice was trembling as she tried to tell me that she's ok. "I'll be ok", she whispered Do we really have to do this to be accepted? Does it take blood and tears for us to belong? I know that I did it before, but do we have to let everyone suffer? I don't think it's right anymore. With a burning desire to change what was written, I stood up. Now, I did. But it's over, she's gone. She was a fighter, and I was a coward. I could have, but i didn't. I just didn't

DESIRED FREEDOM Mando Psst..... Come here! Yes, you! I want you. Don't be scared, it's just you and me now. Besides, you're already paid. It's 4am, and I'm walking pass the blinking lights of shattered freedom, trying to figure out my worth. With eyes wide open, I can't seem to think. As I approach the sanctuary of guilt, my body just turned ice cold. Psst..... It's that sound again. Please make it stop! For the past 2 years that I've been doing this, nothing seems to make sense. That musky scent that makes me shiver, suddenly covered the air. I'm done for the day. Looking back on the days when my soul was pure, I can't help but smile. I still remember the sweet memories of my younger days, when all that I have is free. Oh, those were the days. I guess the truth is, I can no longer go back. But, did I really have that liberty? I guess I did, cause it still hurts. Psst.... It's 4am, and I'm still here, trying to stop what I can't. I'm paid, yes I am. This would suddenly end. I'll just close my eyes until it's over. At last, it is. As I brush off the stains of a filthy life that doesn't seem to get better, it just gets worse. Sitting here with drops of water over my head, a series of unfortunate event flashed. Starting to realize the mistakes that I've made, I closed my eyes. It just gets worse. It really does. And you're telling me that it's my fault? How could you blame the judgment of an innocent soul who's only wish is to love and be loved? Do you think it's easy to go through the day thinking that your soul is burning in every second? You don't know who I am, and what I've been through. So, don't say a word. If only guidance was present in my past, it would've been different. If only lessons were learned before mistakes were made, this wouldn't be me. I guess, I just have to deal with it. Choice is nowhere to be found. Psst.... It's 4am, and I'm home, a totally different view. I was just called. I guess I should go. It's 4am, and I'm here again. Psst.... It's that sound again.

DEEP Mando It's like this, everyday. Nothing has changed. I wake up, surprised, knowing that I'm still alive, thinking that it's already over, only to find out that it's not. Heavy breathing followed the overwhelming reality that your body is moving, you're still thinking, and your eyes can still see all the things that you wish you didn't see. It's not yet over. The game is still ongoing And I'm just here waiting, waiting for the last signal to erupt, waiting for a confirmation that it's all done. But I guess it's different. The rules have changed. Now, you have to pretend that you're fine, even if your mind is exploding with negativity that seems heavier than a boulder. You have to smile even though the heart can't seem to find a justifiable reason to move the muscle on your lips. You have to make them believe that you're not struggling with the reality of life. You have to be fine. That's the hardest part. I'm not ok I want to be ok, but I'm not. Help me. Please I smile, laugh, cry, like a normal person do, but underneath the normal face that you see, is another figure that's shouting for help, and waiting to be felt. It's covered by despair and anger, by guilt and pressure, by expectation and failure, by insanity and reality. It's all beneath the jokes that I throw, the laughter that you hear, and the usual Hi and Hello It's deeper than you think. It's a feeling that nothing is right It's a feeling that doesn't make any sense It's a feeling that even if you try to overcome, you will still fall short It's a feeling that after all of this, the darkness will still prevail It's an overwhelming feeling It's a feeling that I wish I haven't felt. It's complicated This day may be the last, and I still don't know. I might be thinking of ways to end it, and you wouldn't know It's a feeling I wish you knew. It's a feeling that's never new I'm not ok I want to be ok, but I'm still not.

Conscience I wept, I cried so hard. But this tears can’t bring back my sister to life. My being brought here by my conscience. I want to ask forgiveness. But can she still hear? O heart, forgive me for what I have done, please bring peace to mind. Dry leaves were crushed down below. As if to freshen my memories that her life perished because of my selfishness. She was my only sister. Since our childhood, I always believed that I was the favorite of our dad. One night, while I was facing all about to the mirror, with my micro mini, I puffed powder, when I saw Luisa’s face, reflecting in the mirror. "You can’t get out tonight, Lucille." I heard a threatening tone from her. I turned to her, but I can’t resist at her sharp stare at me. "And who says so, my dear sister?" "We are to celebrate Momma’s death anniversary; you know that don’t you?" In a relaxed and condescending voice, I replied "well I don’t care. I’m going out to party tonight!" Then I heard a knock on the door. I shouted "Help Papa!" for I knew that it was he. I pulled my hair, I tore my dress away as I was attacked by a squad of monstrous creatures. When the door opened the site Papa saw was that Luisa was holding my neck who was trying to make a rescue. But I cried so hard that made Papa grew to the height of anger. He threw Luisa to the corner, where the head of my poor sister was hit at the edge of the chair. I slowly rejoiced for I have made a successful revenge. But when she lifted, I saw a different sparkle in her tearful eyes. "Ha ha ha ha ha!" O my, Luisa, she went out of her mind. I was not able to move, as well as Papa. Both of us were motionless. And before we returned to our senses, Luisa ran to the door and proceeded to the open gate of our house. We followed her calling out her name. "Luisa!" "Sister!" "Luisa" "Sister" "Luisa the Truck!" "Don’t cross the road, Luisa, the truck don’t Don’t DON’T!" The next sight I saw was that Luisa was thrown five meters away from the truck. I ran to her and embraced her. Blood was all over her face. In a low but distinct voice she murmured, that made my heart break so much. She said, "Lucille, please be a good girl. I love you. Please be a good girl ‘coz Papa loves you very much." "Luisa? Luisa? Sister… sister!!!" From that moment I cried so hard for killing my only sister, who loved and cared for me, even at the last moment of her life. Now can you blame me, for asking God to forgive me? Forgive me dear God, Forgive me!